I feel guilt, though I know I’ve done no wrong I feel guilt



I feel guilt because I have abandoned and neglected my English blog. Although I am doing pretty good on my Polish one. Post after post. My friends call me saying “Woah! Stop posting like crazy. We cannot keep up”. Well, my friends. Some of you called me, not that long ago, demanding for more. “I love reading you. You make me laugh all the time”. Recently I even have been told I have a lovely penmanship. Thank you all. I am really good with words. Polish words. Sadly, here, it is not a walk in the park.

Hence I feel guilt.

It is really hard to write something in a foreign language. To express oneself. However I decided 2 years ago that I would give myself a try. And the trying is damn hard.

I was given a Kindle few years ago. It was a good, practical gift as I love reading books. It is a handy and very convenient gadget.

After few readings I stated that I wanted to go back to paper books. Dunno. I craved for a real book in my hand. So, Kindle went back to the drawer. Into oblivion.

Couple of weeks ago my friend asked me if it was true that I was selling my device (I talked to her hubby a month ago about selling it for a good bottle of single malt). I confirmed.

In this lockdown I decided to give things away. I do not like owning and possessing. Minimalism is new me.

So, I took out my Kindle out from the oblivion. Recharged it and turned it on. And I felt guilt. Why did I neglect you? – I asked with a pity.

I checked what was in my library. Mindhunter was the first to display. I tried to watch on Netflix a tv series called Mindhunter. My good friend praised that show. I only asked him if this was the same Mindhunter on Kindle as on Netflix. He replied – kind of. The tv series is based on that book.

I decided to give that novel a try. And I have been so soaked in! 22% of this book in the first evening reading session.

The bad thing is – I am in love with reading books on Kindle. I apologized my friends for changing my mind about not selling my device. I really felt guilt. I always try to be a man of my words. This time, I failed.

Mindhunter tv series was not on my list. Last year I only managed to get to the half of the first episode. So boring. However, in between readings, I gave it another chance. “Continue watching” is a very practical option. And to my surprised it played the 3rd episode. Somewhere in the first half. Damn, I was pretty sure I did not go thru the first part. I do not like to dwell on things, so I played the show from the beginning. Again, I have been so soaked in! I binge-watched 2 seasons within a single week. Thanks to coronavirus I just had time. Thank you covid-19.

The book is different than Netflix show. This novel is a biography of an FBI profiler. The pioneer of profiling. In this tv series some names and facts of life are changed. Only criminals are the same. And I must admit that Charles Manson is not the worst and the scariest.

I was captivated by the music in this show. Someone did his lesson and thought about every detail. Even about music.

Whenever I hear something interesting on the show or a movie I say “Siri, who is singing?”. And she replies – naming the tune. Hang on, let me listen. I always let her listen.

If she finds the tune, she opens it in iTunes. Only one click and I have that gem in my library. The next day I go for a walk and listen to “recently added”. Hmm, how come this tune sounds different than last night? – that always surprises me. One click and I say goodbye to that gem. I feel guilt.

Yesterday I finished watching Mindhunter. The last song was Guilt by Marianne Faithull. I knew it was her. This voice cannot be mistaken. I just needed to learn the title of that beautiful and sad song. So I let Siri listen.

Today I went for a walk. I played Marianne Faithfull 4 times. Mesmerizing. It is like a mantra for me. I feel guilt, I feel guilt. Words and music, they both sound like a mantra

I recommend the book and the tv series. And let me know what you think.


I never gave to the rich, I never stole from the poor,
I’m like a curious child, give me more,
More, more, more, more, more, more.