recurring dreams

last night my dad called me on my mobile. He asked if i could buy him a bottle of … vodka (shocker!) and … chocolate candies (even bigger shocker). I was coming back home from a “delicious” (meaning we ate yummy food) meeting with my friends. It was late so he did not want to go out and he knew i would be home soon, so he saw the opportunity. I told him that in my cabinet there is a more-than-a-half-empty bottle of vodka and he could treat himself with it if he just wanted to. There was nothing weird in this. Even thou we live 120 miles apart from each other. I was not surprised that he was in his apartment and he was asking for a favour and i was offering him my alcohol. Everything does not, or just on the contrary DOES, make sense in our dreams. 

To sum up – i did not have any problems with a bottle of vodka. We have a wide range of them in Poland, so you never leave the liquor store empty-handed. The nightmare was buying those chocolate candies. That specific brand was out of storage. I could not make up my mind. Should i buy him any chocolate candies? But, will he like it? Maybe a bar of any chocolate would do it? But he asked for candies! My phone was almost dead so calling back my papa was risky. And then i woke up. 

That was my yesterday’s/today’s dream.

Majority of my night visions are gone forever. However, there are few i remember and there are few that keep coming back to me. 

I read an article about how to remember your dreams. In general, you must retell the dream right after you open your eyes. You can look through the window and focus your eyes on a distant, still object. You cannot get distracted!

One dream that keeps coming back is about me … flying or … falling. Those dreams are different each time. Various scenarios, situations, places. However, every time i am floating in the air or plummeting down. People say that something bad will happen. Flying in your dreams is never a good sign. So, let us skip that night fantasy.

The dream i do not dream anymore is … flood. They were always the same. My room full of water. And there was me on my bed. Me, the captain of my boat, my last stand, my rescue from drowning. Those catastrophic moments were always abruptly halted. I could never see the end of my struggle. Will i drown? Will somebody help me? I always woke up in the middle of the night in my … wet bed. Yes, i wet my bed until i was 5-ish. I remember i, apparently, had issues with going to the toilet during the nights. Thankfully, those wet nightmares are long gone. I know now! I have just got enlightened! That is why i am not a huge fan of water, swimming, sailing and so on. Oh, am i? I managed to win the regatta once. I managed to go on a long cruise once: Gdynia – Tallinn, Estonia. Yes, i am not a fan of water.

Next New Year’s Day will mark 5 years without a cigarette. Quitting smoking was easy. I remember my trials and efforts to give up that smelly habit. I remember my countless times i was fooling myself with – that is gonna be the last one! I had at least 100 last cigarettes in my life. Maciej, do not smoke. You will see it is very hard to quit – my dad told me that wisdom once. Nah, i will quit anytime – i answered. Nope, i could not do it.

In 2009, while exploring the States for the 4th time, my friends bought me a book. It was not JUST A BOOK. It was a healing manual how to quit smoking. A pure opus! I was gifted with Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking. In English! Maybe that was why it did not work for me. You read that book and you are a free person! If you fail after the first reading, you keep reading it until you are a free person! I managed to get thru the first half. That book was so annoying. Every second sentence was – stopping smoking is easy. I put that devil’s work aside.

The last days of poisoning myself made me a real zombie. Every 60 minutes i was outside my apartment puffing. Rain? Wind? Snow? Nah, A PUFF WAS A PUFF. I did not even want to smoke, i did not even feel like having one. I was set, automatically set – every 60 minutes i was having a drag. That was my reward for not smoking for 57 minutes. A real nightmare. Zombie-mode.

2016 New Year’s Eve party at my friends’ i will remember vividly. Delicious food (pot on the fire in the backyard), first-class scotch whisky and … one more year passed. We all got one year older. 

1:40 am i was at the entrance of my building enjoying my cigarette. Well, i was not enjoying myself. It was a ritual. Whenever i was coming back home, i HAD TO have a fag for the last time and call it a day/night. I really DID NOT enjoy my cigarette that time as i DID NOT finish it! 

Next day i went for a walk. To make my 10 000 steps. The weather was … wintery. Heavy snowing. Hence no smoking. Next day – i did not poison myself neither. Third day i was like – oh, let me see how long i can go. It was such a silly thought as i knew that January 7th there would be a birthday party and we all would visit a balcony for more than couple of times. However, i was having fun counting to 7 and watching myself being not intoxicated by fumes for that long. That was the longest i had not been smoking. At the party i went out to the balcony with my smoking friends. I did not light a cigarette. After few seconds i said – oh my god, what a nasty smell and vapoured from the balcony. For the next … about 2 years i was apologizing my non-smoking friends for smoking at their presence. 

Stop smoking was easy. However, i did it without mr. Allen Carr’s (and his annoying book) help. I am free now. And i am happy. 

On January 1st it will be 5 years since I quit smoking.

I have yet another recurring dream. It is very … realistic and disturbing. I smoke again! It is an innocent first cigarette. No harm as i do not smoke. One cigarette is not a crime. One cigarette is not going back to that nasty habit. Well, in my dream it starts with one cigarette. But soon after I am equipped with a pack of cigarettes! I smoke again. It is so realistic that the first thing in the morning i analyze the reality. Do i have a pack? Does my breath smell? My hands? No, no, no. I am still free. I can be still happy. But this nightmare happens way too many times. What does it mean, doctor?

2 Comments

  1. Michael Tosatto

    When we smoke it’s like heaven. When other people smoke we cannot abide the smell. It will always be a craving to those who used to smoke. Life is better lived without them.

    • m

      you smoked?!?!?!?!?
      and … hmm … without them? you mean cigarettes not people who smoke, right? 🙂

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